moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
