she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You're earring is so big in my mouth
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
