I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
