im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
