just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
