my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
