The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
