Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
