I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize