just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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