I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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