Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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