Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
