just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
