I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
