I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize