My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
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OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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