I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
