I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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