I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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