After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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