once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
