moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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