We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Come on in and take your pants off
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