I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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