I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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