I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
