Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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