Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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