She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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