Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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