Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
