trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
