I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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