even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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