So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
