Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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