why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
