I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
