i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
