I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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