Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
