I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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