I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
