I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
