I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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