so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
