yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
