My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
