So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize