My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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