The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
