I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
